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Friday, 2 January 2015

Struggle Bus & December Goal Recap/January Goals

I'm trying really hard to work on my goals for 2015.  But I'm in kind of a funk.

I have been struggling in a big way with fear and time management.
 

Ever since Apollo threw a few bucks into our ride early in December I let fear takeover my brain.  I was afraid that I was hurting him/ruining him when I rode him.  I was also afraid that I was hurting him by not working him.  So I pretty much set myself up to feel like a failure no matter what I did.  

I was also afraid that I was going to get hurt and no one would be around to find me.  I let these fears paralyze our progress in December.  I had kind of a meltdown on Tuesday (that involved ugly crying while lunging Apollo).  I made myself ride and he felt fine and was a perfect gentleman...I felt a bit stupid for riding so little in December. He felt sound but still a bit crooked, I feel confident I can ride in January.  I tried throughout December to arrange a bodyworker to check him out but the holidays have made that very challenging.  I have a tentative appointment next week.

The struggle of working 50/60+ hours a week plus managing the care of three horses, two dogs, two rabbits, two cats and a husband (haha!) caught up to me this month.  I dont feel like Im contributing in a fair way to keeping our household chores (laundry/cleaning/groceries etc).  Im honestly so tired from managing everything else that when I finally get home I have no energy at all.  When I'm home I'm either asleep in bed or am a barely conscious couch lump.  When I'm at the barn I feel myself rushing and not enjoying myself.

Its finally come down to the ugly/honest truth that I will likely have to sell one of my horses. The way Im dividing my time right now isnt fair to anyone, I feel like I'm half assing everything.  



When Im at the barn I feel guilty that Im not at home.  When Im at home I feel guilty that Im not at  the barn.  I stayed up until some ungodly on Tuesday making a life schedule for myself.  I think that my new plan will help me use my time more effectively and help me juggle all my responsibilities.  Im going to give it a serious try this month and if it doesnt work I will have to make a plan for downsizing my herd (which makes my eyes well up with tears).

So that's where I'm at right now...


Now for a quick recap of Decembers goals and my new January goals.

December Goals 
1) Slowly increase Recovery EQ to full dosage by December 15thCheck! Although I did miss some days over Christmas we are on track now.
2) Mystic needs to go to groundwork bootcamp. Sassy pony is sassy. Check!  A big part of this problem is actually me (I found myself rushing a lot, if I keep that in check she
s fine).
3) Henry dewormed with QuestPlus then followed by a probiotic.  Not yet, decided to worm him at the same time as the other two in January.
4) Hand-walk and/or ride Apollo every day to keep him moving in this chilly weather (pending success of injections). I
m just going to say not complete and leave it at that.

January Goals
1) Stick to new life schedule.
2) Figure out 2015 goals.
3) Lose two pounds.  (Most recent weigh-in was 146.4lbs...goal is 144.4lbs and under).
4) Get Apollo a shoulder relief girth (with sheep skin).  Continue savings for BOT products with hopes to purchase in early Feb.
 

20 comments:

  1. I totally know what you mean feeling like riding and not riding is the wrong answer. Whenever I'm struggling with Jazz I always feel like I'm wrecking her by working with her when I don't know what to do and I feel like I'm wrecking her by letting her get away with not working. I found the best thing for me was getting outside help like you are with the bodyworker coming. Best of luck!

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    1. Yes I definitely hope the bodyworker can help him out. I just want my big boy to feel better :)

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  2. Juggling a lot of different things can be overwhelming at times. I find that if you make a schedule and stick to it as much as possible time for everything falls into place. Maybe instead of trying to work all the horses in a day/night you could put them on a rotating schedule? That's what I found works for me. They all get worked but have a day or two of rest in between sessions which is good for them. Good luck.

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    1. My new schedule has been working pretty well, luckily the horses will all be together again and at a closer facility so that makes things easier. :)

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  3. I can totally relate to feeling exhausted/useless after a 50+ hour work week and, frankly, I don't know how you are even managing to do it all. It is quite inspiring! That said, everyone needs a rest and maybe your current schedule is not sustainable over the long term. No harm in scaling things back a bit and maybe the horses only get worked every second day or what not (not sure what your current schedule is!). Another thought might be to see if you can find a leaser 1 or 2 days a week for one or more of your herd. I am sure you have already considered all these options and I don't know the full situation, but just putting it out there. :-) I think you are doing an amazing job!

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    1. Thank you very much for kind words! It looks like my schedule will be changing again but having a schedule has been a good start. :)

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  4. I know exactly how you feel. It's like you need the day to be twice as long so that you can do what you have to, do what you enjoy, AND get plenty of rest. The guilt part of not being able to do it all makes you even more exhausted and eventually it all piles up until you finally break down and cry. It's okay to do that :) I wish that I had great advice to do that, but I don't. The best I can come up with is to remember to enjoy the time riding. You work your ass off to be able to and you have the right to be out there without feeling guilty for it. It really helped me to talk my fiancé about how much of a struggle it is to balance everything and how that bothered me, to tell him when I was overwhelmed. He became even more supportive of my habit anf more willing to do a little extra to help me out so that I could enjoy my time with the horses. I'm wishing you the best of luck with everything and am sure you will get it figured out. You are already doing great, hang in there :)

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    1. I second this! Many times I have felt guilty that I am spending too much time working/at the barn and not enough time at home, cleaning, cooking, hanging out with my husband, etc. Most of the times I have expressed my worries to him, he has said that it doesn't bother him. Other times he just wants me to do something minor like give him more notice about my schedule or help more with cleaning. It is rarely as much of a big deal as I have made it out in my head. ;-)

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  5. I hop on the struggle bus every winter too - the short daylight hours and tough weather conditions stink, add in working and it;s tough! My only advice is to try not to get too stressed about it now, It sounds like you have a plan to move forward with and horses won't mind a little time off here and there either :)

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    1. Yeah I need to let go of the pressure I feel so spend so much time with each of them, they really don't care that much ahah :)

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  6. I get this struggle completely. Between working full-time, taking evening classes, and trying to keep Dee fit and going I feel like my weanling gets shoved to the back burner ( I haven't been to see him in over a month), never mind the boy. I've decided I refuse to feel guilty about things I wouldn't change. The boy understands and the weanling is with a friend who is picking up the slack.

    Best of luck with the schedule!

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    1. It's so nice to have friends to help out! I have had a few offers and I think I need to take people up on them. My boy suffers quite a bit too haha :)

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  7. sounds like things are really overwhelming right now - very sorry to hear that!! and the fear thing really is the worst... fear is so insidious bc it doesn't make any sense or follow any logic, but it's just there. wishing you the very best of luck in working through it and hope the new schedule helps ease your mind a bit!!

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    1. Thank you! Yes the schedule has been helping a bit :)

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  8. I feel your pain! I thought I was the only one who felt guilty at home, guilty when out at my acreage, guilty for not riding but too scared to ride when no one will find me but don't really have anyone to ride with. Phew! Riding the struggle bus is exhausting! And I don't even have a husband to look after!

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    1. It is a struggle hey? All we can do is our best :)

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  10. Feeling overwhelmed sucks and I'm sorry things are so tough for you right now :-(

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    1. Thank you, hopefully things get better soon :)

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  11. Is there room for one more on the guilty struggle bus?!
    Although mine is more of a selfish "i want to be riding" guilt, I don't think the horses feel particularly hard done by from the lack of saddle time ;-) Methinks they enjoy being fed & turned out while not being required to work. Hopefully I can strike a better balance soon :-)

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